I  feel I have a scarlet letter when I meet other moms. When they ask how long I breastfed or ask how I weaned my baby off the breast and I have to tell them: I am a formula feeding mom. I get smirks, gasps, remarks, and sometimes scowls.  If I do have a scarlet letter it’s probably on my forehead and it’s probably an F. 

A big F that stands for formula feeding. It is a scarlet letter that I used to be ashamed of, but now I can say I am proud of it because it made me a stronger woman. So Here’s my Scarlet Letter: A Non-Breastfeeding Story for all you moms out there, as I’m sure many can relate!

 

 

I had a great pregnancy, I can’t complain. I was very healthy and active. We took a baby care basics class and a breastfeeding class, because of course  I was going to breastfeed my child on demand and was super excited to do so! 

 

 

Everything was perfect! Nothing could bring me down!

After taking a trip to Orlando FL we came back for a 35 week appointment.  I ended up being induced at 35 weeks due to intrauterine growth restriction.  Not what we expected. We felt totally unprepared. 

 

 

I was admitted to the hospital on a Tuesday afternoon on a rush. Specialists and nurses were preparing for a very tiny baby. I was terrified, I was sad and I felt so unprepared. I still was supposed to have 5 more weeks to finish preparing for my baby and now suddenly that time was gone and I had a gut feeling that she was fine and healthy.

 

 

My baby was finally born on a Friday, after days of laying on an uncomfortable hard bed with no food and no sleep as they were taking my pressure every 30 minutes. As soon as she came out she was taken away to a plastic bassinet in the corner to be checked. They were expecting a 3 lb baby, small, weak, possibly with down syndrome and/or other birth defects- that had been their diagnosis of my baby in the womb. Instead they got a feisty, 5 lb , 18 inches long perfectly normal beautiful little girl.  I saw her taken away to the NICU while I was being stitched up.  I didn’t get to see her until 6 hours later.  I didn’t get skin to skin right away, my face wasn’t the first thing she saw.  I felt like the torture of a long labor was over and a new torture began.

 

 

They brought my baby to me hours later, and right away 2 lactation consultants came in, along with 2 other nurses. They all poked and prodded my breasts and nipples. They placed my baby at my breast and tried to get her to latch, we tried different holds, switched sides, they pinched my nipples, pulled on them, told me to use a pump while I sat in the bed totally confused, thinking, “why are they doing all this?”

 

 

They instructed me on how to use a nipple shield with a feeding tube inserted into it with some formula, to entice my baby to attempt to latch. She did nothing but scream and move away. No one explained to me what was going on. They told me to just keep trying to latch her on and call a nurse when I needed to feed her. Also, they asked me to keep pumping every 2 hours. 

 

 

 

On Saturday after trying and failing to latch my little baby one of the many nurses taking care of us asked me if I even knew why I needed a nipple shield. I told her that I honestly had no idea and that I had been too tired and confused to ask any of the lactation consultants. She explained to me that I had flat nipples. I had never heard about that before. I thought all nipples were the same. She explained it to me in detail and explained how it was making the latch difficult in addition to my child being tiny and not having a proper sucking reflex.  

 

 

We stayed in the hospital until Sunday. They let us go and I told them I would continue to pump until my milk came in and that I would continue to work on the latch and would supplement with formula if needed to ensure that my tiny baby got food in her. 

The next months were horrible. No one told me breastfeeding would have complications.

I read every single article from a credible source that I found, I read several breastfeeding books, I read scholarly studies on breastfeeding, watched videos on you tube of women breast feeding, I saw 10 different lactation consultants at my hospital. I talked to two other consultants that were independent over the phone to see if they could help me. (They charged $100 an hour each so no they did not help me) I talked to La Leche League members, I talked to nurses, I talked to midwives. Nothing. My baby was not latching and I felt so ashamed, so useless and so alone. 

 

 

Pumping every two hours was torture, I hated the sound of the machine, I hated not being happy , I hated my breasts and my nipples for not working how they were supposed to and I hated myself the most.  I didn’t want anyone to see me, I felt worse than dirt on the ground.

 

 

I was so unhappy that I was forgetting to eat and drink water. I would cry in the shower. I would cry at night once my husband was asleep and I would cry every time I tried to get my baby to latch on, she would do the same. I wasn’t sleeping well either, whenever my baby was sleeping I was pumping or trying to clean the house and other chores and when I did try to sleep I couldn’t. I was obsessed with reading everything I could about breastfeeding and getting my baby to latch on, there was no time for sleep or rest!  

My baby would cry a lot for hours, had colic and had severe gas issues. She wasn’t sleeping

well during the day, and at night she would scream for hours. I was so numb from everything that I didn’t even notice I had a major bladder infection until I realized that it had already been some time after my postpartum appointment and I was still in pain everywhere. I called and was scheduled for an appointment along with some blood and urine tests. The nurse called me back and said she was so worried and shocked because the level of infection I had was severe and she was surprised that I wasn’t in the hospital.  It turns out that my emotional pain was greater than any physical pain. I took medication for the infection and my infection went away.

 

 

Still, I was in a dark pit and no one seemed to help. All I found at the bottom of the pit was judgment, negative comments and nasty looks from other moms when I pulled out my bottles to feed my baby.  “You just need to try harder”, You’re obviously doing something wrong”, “Formula is evil” “You aren’t being a very good mom” “It’s your fault for letting them induce you…etc. is all I heard from them.

 

So much anger against myself, embarrassment,  guilt, pain and tears.  

I thought  since I couldn’t breastfeed my child that my existence was totally pointless.

I thought I was unworthy of such a beautiful child.

 

 

How could I ever be a good mom if I couldn’t even do something so basic? I couldn’t even produce enough milk for my child and I couldn’t get her latch on, how could I be a good mom?  I was so wrong to think that way.   

 

 

Not many people offered kind words or encouragement. My mom and my husband were my only stable support system they helped me through it. My husband especially saw me at my darkest weakest moments and loved me in spite of all of this. 

 

 

The only thing I felt was perfect and pure in my life was my baby girl. She had always been perfect, ever since we saw her first sonogram. She is the main reason I went through a hell and came back out alive. I did it all for her.

 

 

I hit rock bottom when my last lactation consultant told me that she had seen more than hundreds of babies and moms and that in her honest (off the record) opinion my baby would probably not latch on ever. She told me that a baby that already knew how to breastfeed would probably be able to draw out my nipple to feed so that there was still

hope for me if I had a second child. 

 

 

But it didn’t solve my problem. It didn’t make me feel better, it didn’t make my baby latch  on and it didn’t make the negative comments from people go away. Life was not great and all the information I read said that I wouldn’t be able to bond with my baby unless I breastfed. Great! Another thing I was totally useless at! 

 

 

I finally snapped out of depressed and self pity mode when we had to take my daughter to the emergency room at 2 am. She had blood in her poop. It was due to milk protein allergy. I had to stop all dairy and switch to a formula that would be more gentle on her little tummy.

 

 

I was so scared to see her bleeding and it made me realize that there was so much more to being a good mom than just being able to produce milk and breastfeeding. 

 

 

I kept pumping until my milk dried up, I was prescribed medications to maintain my supply- my husband didn’t like the list of side effects so I never took them. We continued to supplement with formula. We bonded during those bottle feedings, she would smile at me while drinking milk and I would cry, finally because I was so happy, so relieved that my daughter could love a wretch like me.  As the milk drooled down her face I could see how happy she was in my arms and that it didn’t matter to her if I had poured formula in her bottle or breast milk. She cared about ME, she smiled at ME, She loved ME!

 

I started feeling better, wanting to see people, wanting to go out.  By 4 months my daughter was completely on formula. 

 

 

I have really thick skin now thanks to this experience. Negative comments don’t bring me down anymore. I don’t like hearing them, but now I can laugh inside and feel sorry for those people who feel the need to judge others. I pray that someday they realize how much damage they cause with their words.

 

 

I feel very confident and educated about formula feeding and breastfeeding. I know all the pros and cons for both. I support and understand both.

Life is too short to stay in a dark pit isolated with a scarlet letter.  My scarlet letter is still there, I still get comments and smirks every now and then, but now I know to ignore them.  Instead of being a fresh wound it is a scar in my heart that reminds me where I was before and where I am now. It’s a scar that does not hurt or cause me pain. I  have a happy healthy child and we love each other very much.

 

 

Being a good mom isn’t about breastfeeding or formula feeding, it’s not about using cloth diapers or disposable; it’s not about using organic products for baby or using regular baby products. It’s about loving and caring for your baby. Taking care of yourself and being the best you can be so you can LOVE your baby. It’s the cuddles, the hugs, the kisses, the play time, the attention, the peek-a-boo games, the smiles, the giggles, all the laughs and most importantly the love you give your baby that matters.  The milk is extra. If you can breastfeed that is awesome, you go girl!  If for some reason you can’t breastfeed or decide not to then that is awesome too, you go girl! Don’t let a scarlet letter bring you down or keep you in a dark pit. Your baby needs YOU, your baby LOVES YOU!