Following a bereavement, popular knowledge suggests that people will experience the “five stages of grief”. These five stages are known as the “Kübler-Ross model”, and were first proposed by Swiss doctor Elisabeth Kübler-Ross in her book On Death and Dying in 1969.
Explaining the five stages
According to the Kübler-Ross model, there are five distinct phases of grief:
- Denial
- Anger
- Bargaining
- Depression
- Acceptance
For the majority of people their understanding of grief is based along the same lines. The general belief is that each stage occurs individually, linearly and rather cleanly. For example, if you are experiencing “depression”, this will always be the fourth stage. You will have previously experienced denial, anger and bargaining. You will soon move on to acceptance.
This model has been widely accepted in popular culture and understanding of grief; there’s even an episode of the medical comedy-drama Scrubs entitled “My Five Stages”, where the characters work through the stages in sequence, as described by the model.
The only problem is… this understanding of the “five stages” is actually rather flawed.
The truth about the “five stages”
First and foremost, it’s important to note that Elisabeth Kübler-Ross first presented the five stages in relation to how people who are diagnosed with a terminal illness respond to the news – not as a method of describing how people grieve the loss of a loved one. Secondly, Kübler-Ross went on to criticize her own model, and in particular, the linear way it is presented.
Why is this a problem?
If you have recently lost a loved one, modern culture will have created the idea in your mind that you know what to expect. There’s a certain reassurance in the five stages of grief. At a time of darkness and sadness, it’s somewhat reassuring to know how you might feel and importantly that you will eventually reach acceptance.
However, if you do not experience these stages in the order expected, it can be extremely troubling. You may find yourself in a situation where the already difficult process of grieving is further complicated by the lack of recognizable “stages”, adding confusion to a period of time in which you are already entirely understandably struggling to cope.
These issues mean that the standard model of grief can be outright harmful. People know what they expect from grief, only to find themselves blindsided by a range of different experiences. They may find that they experience all five stages of grief, but in a different order; for example, if a loved one dies as a result of the harmful actions of another person, anger – rather than denial – is likely to be the first stage. Alternatively, they may skip some stages entirely; for example, moving from denial to anger, and then to acceptance.
Thinking beyond the Kübler-Ross model
As we have seen, the five stages of grief is a flawed model. It was never designed as a model for how relatives of someone who has passed cope with their grief. Therefore helpful to try and think beyond the Kübler-Ross model and understand what grieving actually involves . At least as far as it is possible to predict.
Firstly, we have first to acknowledge that no two losses are alike. The way you may feel when grieving someone who has been lost in an industrial accident – a sudden, unexpected death – and how you feel in the aftermath of a loved one passing after a long terminal illness is, obviously, very different.
In the first instance, you may feel a huge amount of anger and shock, and find strength in actions such as contacting the attorneys at the Blumenshine Law Group for legal advice, or writing to your local representative to raise awareness in an effort to prevent such a scenario ever happening again. In the second scenario, you may feel very little shock.
Perhaps even a sense of relief, which is entirely natural. Sadly, all grief can be predicted in the same way.
Also, there is a second layer of subjectivity that we must acknowledge: no two people will grieve in the same way. For example, have twins who lose a loved one; both would have the same experiences, memories and relationship with that loved one. Both can grieve the loss in very different ways.
The important fact to remember
Given the variances as presented above and the problems of the “five stages” model, grief is likely best approached with an open mind wherever possible. Often, what causes the most harm is the failure to meet an expectation; for example, people often expect to feel incredibly sad, but actually feel somewhat relieved which is natural, but can make the person feel incredibly guilty.
Alternatively, people expect they will cope with death relatively well, only to find that they actually feel far worse than they anticipated, which adds further distress at an already-difficult time.
Instead, it’s helpful to try and see grieving as an experience where anything goes. All emotions and reactions to grief are entirely valid; all are natural; and all are understandable.
No matter how you respond to the loss of a loved one, it’s your experience; it doesn’t need to conform to a model or an expectation – just let it be what it is, talk to someone for support if you feel it would be beneficial, but mostly, just let yourself be.
Finally, it is also worth remembering that grief is incredibly changeable. You may start one day feeling at peace and relatively normal. You’re furious at lunchtime, then sad in the afternoon, and then back to acceptance by the time you are going to bed. Again, this is entirely normal and to be expected. Try to take each moment as it comes rather than focusing on what might happen next.
In conclusion
While the five stages of grief have gained huge popularity and are the generally accepted “way” to grieve, in truth, grieving does not adhere to any specific model. Instead, focus on your experience, your emotions, and whatever actions or behaviors may allow you to cope as best you can.