The death of a loved one is an extremely complex and stressful situation to process, even for the most well-adjusted of adults. So for a child to have to navigate the same situation is understandably hard too. Death is a natural part of the human experience, but it’s not a topic that is widely discussed within society. As a result, the grieving process can be unfairly shrouded in mystery and a lot of adults are not sure how to discuss it and come to terms with it themselves, let alone translating it in a way that a child can understand. And yet teaching a little one how to deal with negative emotions in a complex way is a hugely important life skill. There will be times in their life when they have to deal with a loss, and having the tools to be able to support themselves emotionally can make a huge difference to their adult lives. But how do you begin to help a child process the loss of a loved one, in the midst of dealing with your own pain?
Explain Death Clearly
Finding the right language to describe death to a child is a huge barrier for a lot of us. When there don’t seem to be words to talk about your own loss, how can you translate it into age-appropriate terms? The key is to find a balance where you aren’t too unvarnished but equally try not to sentimentalize the fact of death too much. Simple, clear language is always the better choice. Make sure to be caring and sensitive to your child’s emotions, but stick closely to the facts. Equally, it’s not necessary to give too much detail, but if your child has questions then you should try to answer them truthfully. Don’t create unrealistic expectations that might give your child the wrong idea. Many people make the mistake of over-explaining, but the best tactic is to explain the situation and then take a breath – let your child absorb the news on their own terms. You don’t have to fill every silence – sometimes it’s enough to sit quietly together.
Concentrate On Listening
When helping a child to process grief, your listening skills are actually more important than you might think. Children need a safe space to explore their emotional response to what has happened. Remember that, just as with adults, there is no ‘right’ response to bereavement or way to grieve. Every child is bound to react differently to the death of someone they loved. Some children might cry, some may not. Some will seem outwardly accepting, others will have a lot of questions. It all depends on their own personality and the circumstances – for example, if someone has passed away after a long illness, it may be quite a different response to an unexpected death. Offer physical contact and reassurance and take your cues from your child’s own behaviour.
Create A Memory Together
It can be incredibly important for both of your healing to find ways to remember the person you have lost. There are lots of ways to do this, so discuss with your child what feels like a good way to remember your loved one. It could be something like creating a memory box, where you can place items like photographs, letters and cards, memorabilia such at tickets from events you went to together – these things can all help to create a feeling of connection. There are plenty of other ways if that doesn’t appeal to your child – many choose to plant a tree or a shrub, or dedicating a bench or sculpture somewhere scenic that they have enjoyed visiting together, and this creates a special place you can go for some quiet time and to remember the person you loved. Others choose necklaces for cremation ashes, keeping the person close through a piece of memorial jewelry that they can wear at all times. Or you could choose to have a memory bear made, or perhaps a patchwork quilt or cushion, from some favourite items of clothing left behind. There’s no right or wrong, it’s all about choosing what feels right for you and your child, but often having a special ritual or object can provide comfort when they are feeling sad.
Supporting a child through grief can seem like an impossibly hard process, but the fundamentals are fairly simple – the need for love and reassurance doesn’t change. Provide that and you won’t be going too far wrong.